Parked just outside Earth’s orbit, a spaceship full of
aliens announce their plans to conquer the Earth! The aliens in charge give a
rousing speech that the rest of their ship only somewhat pay attention to, a
speech so spectacular, we don’t get to hear any of it! Down in a lowly sector
of the ship, a data archivist reads files on the Earth obtained from the Shi’ar
infobanks stating that Earth has been invaded by a number of alien races, and
even repelled Galactus multiple times! Armed with this knowledge, the lowly
archivist knows his fellow aliens have no hope of actually conquering the Earth
but the word has already been given! He debates warning them, possibly costing
his life, against doing nothing, which could cost even more lives! Meanwhile,
in Australia, Havok uses the computers in the X-Men’s sub-basement to monitor
each of the other X-Men. He’s snuck up on by Wolverine, who doesn’t take kindly
to Havok’s recent activities of spying on them. Havok feels that they shouldn’t
let these computers go to waste and feels he’s the best man to use them
effectively. Wolverine points out that Madelyne felt the same, and it cost
them, worrying that Alex may go down the same road.
A mental image of Storm then appears, courtesy of
Psylocke, to break up the fight. She sides with Wolverine, feeling that the
systems may not be trustworthy, causing Alex to wonder why they even stay.
Wolverine then suggests that what everyone needs is to cool off and have some
fun, and proposes a guys night out just like the girls had recently. Sometime
later, Dazzler uses makeup to make Colossus appear somewhat normal, to the
Russian mutant’s chagrin. With the guys all ready, they take one of Gateway’s
portals out of there to go have some fun, and tell the girls not to wait up!
Meanwhile, aboard the alien ship, the alien leaders are shown their new secret
weapon: the Jean Bomb! Said to disrupt any and all relationships, its very
presence will cause brother to slay brother and teammates to tear each other
apart (the joke being, it’s a simulacrum of Jean Grey). Just then, the lowly
archivist comes running in to warn about the Earth’s danger and he’s mistaken
for an intruder and shot on sight! Only afterwards do the aliens realize that
he was one of them but rationalize that since he was just an archivist, what he
had to say couldn’t have possibly been important anyway!
In Sydney, the X-Men enter a bar (with Colossus
remembering how the last time he entered one, he had to fight Juggernaut).
Wolverine and Havok get to heavily drinking while Longshot manages to attract
every woman in the place! Not long after, they hear loud rumblings coming from
outside and head out to see the alien force invading! The aliens swarm the
whole city, only to find that they’re largely being ignored, and not taken at
all seriously! The alien leader commands not to provoke the locals and to let them
make the first move, which goes unheard by a particularly large alien. He
enters the bar and attempts to pick a fight with Longshot, prompting Colossus
to punch him straight out of the bar! Colossus heads outside to find a whole
group of guys just like that one, while Havok and Wolverine begin to place
bets! Elsewhere, the alien leader meets with Sydney’s mayor and calls for his
immediate surrender! The mayor happily hands the job over, saying that he’s due
for a vacation! In order to show they mean business, the aliens destroy the
Sydney Opera House and the mayor admits he’s wanted to do that himself for
years! However, since it’s on all of their brochures, they’ll have to put it
back good as new!
As Colossus fights his group of aliens, Longshot gets
swarmed by a group of flying, female aliens called C-Cubed, the Cosmic Cutie
Commandos! As they attempt to kill him, he discovers their wings are fakes,
which they see as their greatest secret shame! If the others discovered their
wings are artificial, then everyone could fly! Longshot just says that
it’s amazing to be able to fly at all, and charms them into seeing things
his way! Meanwhile, half a world away, in a building that is definitely not the
Daily Planet, the news of the alien invasion goes completely unheeded in favor
of the inauguration of the new President of the U.S.! Back aboard the alien
ship, their ultimatum going completely ignored, the aliens plan to detonate
their Jean Bomb, regardless of what it will do to their forces on the ground!
Said ground forces discover the Cutie Commandos completely charmed over by
Longshot and the rest of their allies defeated, while the last prominent alien
plays poker against Wolverine! While Wolverine bluffs and raises the stakes
against his opponent, Havok heads outside to deal with the last of the ground
forces. They realize their leaders are about to drop the Jean Bomb and open
fire, before Havok casually blasts the main ship down, ending the invasion just
like that!
Finally, the guys return home, trading stories about
their victories. Havok convinced the aliens to leave, and Wolverine bluffed the
last alien enough to fold a winning hand! As they approach their base, they’re
met by a very disapproving Storm, having heard the reports of their night out!
Wolverine dissuades her by giving her a big kiss and suggests to Havok a place
in Mexico they can go to really drink themselves silly! Storm sits down in a
huff but can’t help letting out a laugh at the display! In an epilogue, the
tone shifts considerably, as Tessa and her Hellfire Club forces find the bloody
aftermath of a battle at one of Sebastian Shaw’s properties! It seems that
Donald Pierce is looking to settle some scores with his former Hellfire Club
allies!
For the special marvelite in you